Anonymole – apocryphal agitators

OK, this is not a Turing Test. But it started out as a response to a post about whether Donald Drumpf could pass a Turing test… What follows is more an example of a political interview.

TuringTester: Donald, tell us about your foreign policies.

DD: I love foreign things. My ties are all foreign made, did you know? I tried to get them made here in this dying country we call the United States but, you know, my ties are purple, a favorite foreign color!

TT: Donald, what will you do about SEC / Wall Street corruption?

DD: Wall Street, I love walls! Walls on a Street what could be more American! SEC spells sex. Why are you guys still talking about my hands?

TT: Donald, freedom of religion is a foundation of the United States, what is your position on this freedom?

DD: My religion is money! I worship money. You like money right? We all like money. We all worship money, am I right? You, yeah you, you like money right? If I gave you ahundreddollars right now, just gave it to you, you’d probably vote for me right, am I right? If you don’t like money then you should not be allowed into this country. We’ll build a wall and keep out all the money haters.

TT: College tuition costs in the U.S. have skyrocketed. What will you do about this?

DD: I’ll tell you what. We’ve got the smartest people on the planet in this country. I should know. How can tuition be so expensive if we’ve got the smartest people? And besides, the best things cost the most? Just look at me. I buy the best ties, the best shoes, I live in the best City-In-The-World; the best costs money. Lots of money. That’s why I love it. Because I love the best. Because I am the best candidate in this race. I am. Just ask my graduates of Drumpf University. They’ll tell you. ‘Yeah, he’s the best.’

TT: A fourth of the people on the planet don’t have electricity. Future energy costs are set to impact third world countries dramatically. This country’s energy policy is in flux. What are your energy plans?

DD: Look up. You see that there. That’s called the Sun. It’s a big ball of energy. If I owned the sun I’d be a trillionaire, selling energy, a great business selling energy. Those countries that don’t have lights? They just need to open the windows, you know, and let the light in. This country’s energy policy is a mess, just a mess. You know that stuff Texans, I love Texans, I do, that stuff Texans dig out of the ground, you know, it makes jets fly and stuff [crude oil?] Yeah, crude oil, it’s everywhere in this country. People hate frickin’ fracking, I love it. I say dig up the oil and burn it in our jets and we won’t have an energy problem anymore.

TT: That brings up another topic, climate change. The Paris Accords, the IPCC, the UN all acknowledge that humans are changing the climate. Increasing CO2 to levels not seen for millions of years. What will you do to ameliorate anthropogenic climate change?

DD: Anthropology is a great science. I love scientists. Some of the best come from Paris. I love Paris, the art, the people, the food (I love french toast AND french fries). But those talks they held in Paris? Yeah those talks, where they talked and talked and talked. That’s all they do there in Paris, they talk. I’m a man of action. When I think about something, I act. Like if I was thinking about firing you from your job. I wouldn’t just think about it. I would act. YOU’RE FIRED. See what did there? I acted. This climate thing, the planet is hot and getting hotter. You know who’s hot? My wife, Melania, she’s hot. Wouldn’t she make a hot First Lady? Michelle, she’s hot too, but not like my wife.

[The climate…] Right, about this climate thing, we got to stop planting trees. You plant trees, you cut them down, you burn them in your fire place, the smoke goes up, that smoke, it’s full of CO2 you know, it goes up and makes the planet hotter. It’s the trees that are the problem. Not cars. Cars are good for America. Well the ones we make in this country are good. Those from Japan, eeeyyyyaaa, not so good, you know what I’m saying?

TT: Thanks for your time Donald, but we have to say, we’re not really sure you’re human…

DD: You see this scar right here, this long one on my arm, I got that assembling an IKEA dresser my daughter made me buy to donate to this homeless shelter, where they love money too. If that doesn’t prove I’ve got a heart then you can take your questions and stuff’em. (mumbling off to the side, the balls on that guy, calling me an Alien! He’s an Alien!)