I need a new alcohol

No, it’s not “I need a new drug”, I’m not Huey Lewis & The News. I don’t want a pill or a powder. I want a new alcohol-like substitute.

One that doesn’t cost too much, taste too bad, one that’s yeah, just right. But I DO want it to make me sick if I take too much, penalize me if I over indulge, or do stupid shit.

Alcohol costs too damn much these days. Beer is $10 a sixpack now! Whaaa? The good stuff, the drinkable IPAs, that is. Sure, I can suck down boxed wine, but hell, the stigma and haughtiness of drinking wine — nope. Drinking the tall, dark, clear, amber, glorious stuff — you know it. I’ll do it, but damn, a bottle might last a week.

No, I need a new, designer alcohol, created by bio engineers and chemists to be effective, debilitating, short lived, tasty and cheap.

Why?

Because I’m a sacrificial sot.

What does that mean? This is what that means. It means I hereby sacrifice my life working a job I hate, for an industry I despise, eight to ten hours a day all so that the people I love can continue to exist, get educated, and hopefully pursue better lives than me.

“Oh, you hate your job? Well, quit!” WTF! I can’t quit. I have to keep doing what I do in order to pay the thousands of dollars a month bills to keep this tiny family-engine running. If I were to quit, go off into the wild, live my dream life, the three or five or eight people who directly (and indirectly) rely upon my income, my sacrifice, would perish (or at least suffer considerably).

And everyone who says otherwise is utterly full of delusional visions of a nonexistent lifestyle.

So, to endure my servitude (more like slavitude) (which I accept fully) I need temporary nocturnal divestiture of my responsibilities. And I access such a release through the application of a simple chemical compound known as ethanol.

But, for some reason, the stuff has grown expensive and frankly, entangled with too many societal caveats of acceptable behavior. Fuck that. I just want a new alcohol. One that will cut through the sticky pop-culture, inane, seething world and erase, for a time, my worries of said world.

Is that too much to ask?

Apparently.

 

 


17 responses to “I need a new alcohol

  • fitfulfearfulphantasmal

    Hahahahhaha! erase the seething world of slave-itude. i write dumb ass flash fiction to distract me from my fucking job too.

    Liked by 1 person

  • George F.

    “so that the people I love can continue to exist, get educated, and hopefully pursue better lives than me…” Yeah, that totally broke my back until I said fuck it and flushed it all down the toilet. My wife refused to divorce me, but now she works and I jerk off all day. And, btw, I just switched to weed from alcohol now that it’s legal in CA. No judgement upon which one I prefer however. Just sayin’

    Liked by 1 person

  • Aak fictionspawn

    You could make it yourself. It would take a bit of a learing process to get it right, but I think you can do it πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  • Phil Huston

    Cary Grant. The angel Dudley in “The Bishop’s Wife.” He had that drink. An endless bottle of sherry that warms and lubricates but doesn’t intoxicate. I had to stop drinking wine. I became a snob. I have never been able to drink to effect without disastrous results, but taste? If one glass is it, drinl the good stuff. IPA? Children’s beer? I know it was a Bit of Brit invention to keep beer they couldn’t brew in India for some reason, but still. Bitters, right? What’s the pub line? A pint of best bitters? Dudley. Channel him, find the good stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  • The Pink Agendist

    Haughtiness of boxed wine? Really?

    Like

  • Tom Being Tom

    I really do drink a lot of beer, because I enjoy it. I drink a couple of beers after work, before dinner, most nights. A couple more than a couple if I stop and have a couple with a friend before coming home for a couple before dinner. On Thursdays I’ll drink a solid six-pack in the late afternoon while doing house chores and such. On Saturday nights I’ll drink a good nine or ten of them while running an RPG with my wife (lo, these 25 years of continuing adventures). More than that if we go out to a party, instead.

    On Sunday, I’ll drink a bundle. “Church” in the morning with the gang (this week, 10 of us, with almost an even gender split), and then sporadically throughout the day as the mood strikes. This will either be while (a) watching football, half the year, or (b) doing more chore things.

    Sometimes, I will admit, “church” will last all day if we’re all in a Sunday Funday mood.

    But I only drink light beer. I don’t like bitter stuff (low, low IBUs, like Coors Light or Bud Light or even Keystone Light will work) and I don’t like to pack on a bunch of extra calories. I’m a pretty high-functioning, methodical beeraholic, then. 😁

    I don’t need a new drink but I probably do need a bit of a break. Maybe after the Super Bowl. πŸ˜‰

    Cheers, AM, to a life well-spent with the things that we love. 🍻

    Liked by 1 person

  • desertcurmudgeon

    When wine comes in a box, it is immediately divested of its potential haughtiness. But boxed wine is not the answer, of course. We’re trying to have a civilization here. I think the new alcohol you seek goes by the brand name Vicodin.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Tom Being Tom

      That made me laugh out loud. πŸ˜‚

      I actually have a co-worker, older gent, who goes through a box of wine a night with his wife. They love the stuff. Nobody alive would call him haughty, though the word cantankerous might fit nicely. He’s the best damn appliance tech I’ve ever known.

      My mother loved her boxed wine, too.

      That’s all I have. Cheers. πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 2 people

    • Anony Mole

      Yeah, box wine does lose that certain panache, but, walking around with a wine glass – who knows where it came from?
      Vicodin wipes me out. And are really hard to come by now.

      Liked by 1 person

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