Writer’s Log: 1734 – If only…

For those of you who care to follow my writing progress, here’s a brief interlude:

A Paleo Friendship #1: https://goo.gl/Jsj7nn
A Paleo Friendship #2: https://goo.gl/YjLJC3

If I could slap a button, big, round and red, and send myself back to such a time – POOF! That would be the end of me.

POV: First Person
Era/locale: 25,000 years ago, North American Western Coast
I’m going for “Hunger Games” style action and description. This is just an experiment, a diversion. One I’ve probably wanted to write since I was 17. It’s just a teaser, but, well, judge it for any writerly-progress.

(It’s still not “my voice”, as PH is wont to call to my attention. And it’s still YA — for some reason I can’t seem to push myself into adult writing mode.)

 


12 responses to “Writer’s Log: 1734 – If only…

  • Phil Huston

    Now, it’s a good Jack Londish read, BUT -shout-fars, smoke or others in the valley. One-eyed Tak, Ten-ten, flap-tail dams, Diza, da, Hounta, two-ten summers,“KO-TAH, KEEN-BAKA NA.” Just to name a few.

    PUH – freaking – leeeeeze. Especially the last one. WTF? Kotex? Clean Bathroom Now? Sorry, my jaw’s wired shut. Kroger. Mean Banana. Paint us picture of grumbles and snarls. There’s plenty of exclusionary subcultural and vocational vernacular out there obscuring and obfuscating enough to embarass Chinese smog. You dystopian guys. Go back and read some Verne, Vonnegut, Bradbury. All the jargon and made up shit for everyday shit is the cheap, set dresser’s way out of creating an environment. Remember Monty Python and the Holy Grail before you step off into the fantastic because there’s a fine line between the fantastic and the absurd. And readers need to be introduced into a new world. Running therough the forest is a good, energetic start. All the baubles and beads without depth are like costume jewelry. Dump them. If you have to write in flashback to tell backstory let little buddy stare into the fire and remember for us. In fewer than two pages or it needs it’s own chapter.

    “KO-TAH, KEEN-BAKA NA.” which, judging from accompanying his motions, meant haul ass off the dam and don’t look back. Without old one nut Sampaw and his endless whispered advice I knew run beats dead. I know that’s a little pulpy for you, but

    They obviously have decimal, but haven’t learned to count on their toes? Diza, we get a little about her, but all the comingling of modern and made up dialect, no idea at all who or what? Why not have OE Tak and Da and the experience of Diza screwing him blind happen around a camp fire, THEN we get here?

    crevice, a . Periods and joiners won’t kill you. You write more run-ons than I do, and that’s a freaking Olympic feat.

    Hey, you asked. I get my ass kicked daily. Don’t take it the wrong way. Nail your craft and tell the story you want, to the best of your ability and think of someone besides yourself. If you want to go there, make it the best you can. I keep telling you this. Don’t put on a costume and play jungle boy, put yourself in the scene.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Phil Huston

      Like “Caddy Shack” Be the balllllll……..

      Liked by 1 person

    • Anony Mole

      World building on the fly — I enjoy it, but it’s tough to get aspects of another world/era/time across without blatant authorian narrative. And authenticity is another one that is tough. It’s pretty easy to just assume every culture has miles, feet, hours, months, hundreds, thousands, breakfast, dinner, etc. Trying to make a world where none of that exists, or at least give the sense that it’s not just just some hackneyed attempt to tell an out-of-context story — that’s hard too.

      I don’t want to be here.

      If I could wish a BIG FUCKING ASTEROID DOWN ON THE EARTH RIGHT FUCKING NOW — I WOULD.

      I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.

      So, I write and imagine ANY FUCKING PLACE ELSE BUT HERE.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Phil Huston

        “but it’s tough to get aspects of another world/era/time across without blatant authorian narrative.” Bullshit. All you need is a setup. The Navajo don’t have 47 words for dick, but they have sexual humor. However, one would require a translator and that’s your job, lazy ass.
        “I enjoy it,” Ahh. THAT I understand. Hanging with characters you like, in places you like, just to be there instead of (insert place). Fine for you. Outside of that private realm you need to sell US on it. No, not every place has miles and can count, nor do they all have “bitch”, so which is it? Hybrid? The Prius of literature? Or – “Now listen to this… I’ll tell you about Texas radio and the big beat Soft driven, slow and mad like some new language.” Jim Morrison could take us there. BAM. Build a world and show it to us. Or say, up front, “This is me wanking ’cause I hate my life” and we’ll read it for what it is. Wanking. The choice is really yours, to take your wanking seriously enough to get us ALL lost in it, or stream of consciousness enough to drag Army men and the Fort Apache indians through your mom’s Lilies for a while until she hollers time to come in.

        Liked by 1 person

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