SepSceneWriMo: Three


Dorothy plucked another plastic bottle from the dumpster behind the Classic Town Mall. The bottle still held three quarters of its brown-colored fluid and her cheap trigger-handled claw slipped and let it drop. Damn kids can’t finish what they buy. She tried again and this time used two hands to pinch it and releasing it to fall to the pavement.

“What do you think, Rosie?” she whispered to no one. “I should water the bushes with this tooth-rot?” She didn’t wait for a reply. Using rubber gloves, she picked up the bottle and waddled over to the concrete barrier where she dumped the Coke into the dirt on the far side. With the bottled stuffed into a plastic bag, she returned to her collecting.


5 thoughts on “SepSceneWriMo: Three

  1. Nice call! I (personally) want more abrupt and opposing detail words. Grime vs Pine Sol, Dumpster vs Glade Holiday, Silver skies and gray concrete, the dullness of the dumpster’s crayon green. Shabby meets flouresced industrial. Cues. Great big little ones and elbow grease on the dialogue. This is a great picture screaming for a voice.

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    1. So, this is the point, I suppose. I’ve set a scene: setting, emotion(s), event — but, although it has the foundation of a compelling story, it’s flat, a bit washed out. Maybe you can add 1 or 2 exact enhancements? To drive home the point?

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      1. Well, describe the coat without going nuts. An embedded grime trench coat that would never see clean again. Mismatched, fingerless, unraveling wool gloves. Her posture. You got her confusion and roller coaster. Something from the guy, a flashback, maybe the teacher at the front of the room, prim, proper, stern and now the coffee cup in her frail hands (a good place for the gloves, a line here and there that fleshes it without long dumps. Push the how life gets away from us harder without preaching. This is good iceberg but writing it short requires bam language.

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          1. Well, we’re working draft here, but language comes out with the painter’s palette you see for your characters. Think coastline. Harsh grays, wind and poundings surf. Deep blues and white sands and heat.

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