FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
TITLE: NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCHES & EXPLODES
Earlier this morning, UTC 03:27:00, North Korea launched a ballistic rocket of unknown intent.
The rocket reached an LEO (low Earth orbit) of approximately 390 kilometers where it separated into independent payloads, some continuing to travel out to 500 kilometers in altitude above the surface of the planet.
Fifteen individual payloads were identified, each accelerating to nearly 30,000 kilometers per hour, at which time they detonated releasing pellet sized projectiles, roughly seven mm in diameter. It is estimated that more than two billion pellets were delivered across 300 kilometers of LEO altitude.
The intent, as described by U.S. Military, ESA and NASA officials, can only be considered “all-out war on our communication systems.”
“We’re already experiencing satellite failures. Every satellite in LEO will probably be destroyed. Starlink? Toast. Network channel satellites? Gone. We’re looking at near-complete blackout.”
“And the Space Station? Thank God they had an emergency capsule they could deploy. But the station itself, total loss.”
An international response is pending. Early news shows that Chinese forces are already flowing across the North Korean border.
“As far as space exploration and communications go, we’ve been sent back to the 1940’s. Humans are never going to travel to LEO again. You can kiss the Moon and Mars goodbye. Sorry Elon.”